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If the saddest day of my life was when we lost our second baby due to a miscarriage – then this is certainly the second saddest day of my life; and yet the most useful.

Tomorrow, those of the Orthodox faith will celebrate the resurrection of Christ – so what a bitter-sweet sentiment and practice it was to begin and end my father’s funeral with the singing of ‘Christo Anesti!’

Still – I cried floods I did not know were in me … Nor do I think I am entirely done crying.

And yet, in the two-hour ride to the inturment site – there is a calm of heart brought about due to a defiance of death built upon the eventual regathering of is all when Christ comes to claim His own.

I am still sad … But thumbing this post into my BlackBerry to share the same bitter-sweet confidence in the Risen Christ makes many others sufferring the same be encouraged of the promises purchased through the Cross.

More later of that I saw and felt today …

… But for now, Christos Anesti!

Sleep eludes me as my head is swimming in thought, and my heart experiencing a sadness of a depth I’ve not experienced before. I think I can sum much of it up with the following enumeration:

• When I was 8 days old, I didn’t even know I was alive
• When I was 80 days old, I only knew enough to know I needed my parents to help me eat, sleep and wipe my nose
• When I was 8 years old, I knew all the essentials but thought I knew more, but still admired my parents
• when I was 18 years old, I thought I knew everything and that my parents didn’t get it
• when I was 28 years old, I realized my parents were right about everything
• When I was 38 years old, I realized what an idiot I had been to my parents
• At I’m 48 years old, I an shocked by how much help my parents need me to eat, sleep and wipe their nose

There is an ache in my heart of a depth beyond any comprehensible way of describing. I fact this feeble attempt is nothing more than hitting a relief valve so my brain doesn’t explode with:

• Memories of my father at all stages of my knowing my father
• Recollections of stories about my dad told to me by others before I came on the scene
• Recounting the sad images of my father in his sad state last week
• Going over and over and over the last few times we had time together over the past year or two
• Wondering what activity we’d do together if I had just one more day of the healthy and vibrant dad that was once mine to enjoy

Don’t get me wrong folks, this isn’t regrets. Rather this is th recollections of one whom took every opportunity to tell his father he loved him. In that department, there are no regrets.

Instead, this is someone just coming to the realization just that he didn’t how much he’s going to miss his dad – and how much my daughter will never see nor comprehend of this man who as my mentor, my role model, my hero.

I guess in the same way I tell my little girl every night “I love you forever” … in my heart I’m now thinking that I’d say to my dad “I’ll miss you forever.”

Ah good, some tears – and now perhaps a bit more sleep …

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

• a time to be born, and a time to die;
  a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
• a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
  a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
• a time to seek, and a time to lose;
  a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

Ecclesiastes 3:2,4,6

Instead of a rush of emotions, I’ve been hit with a flood of thoughts and memories. Given a choice of how to react to my father’s passing – I think the latter is far preferable to the former.

Had to cut the lawn so it wouldn’t be 10′ tall when I got back from the funeral, etc …

Yeah, my wife likes to call me the “lawn ranger” as my fescue is one of my hobbies, if not an obsession. I think part of it is the beauty of the green carpet surrounding my abode – I think the other part is that I do my best thinking while pushing my lawn mower about the property.

Anyway, I had to cut the lawn, so as one can imagine, my mind was going off in a million places including these thoughts:

• I wonder what Dad is experience right now. I mean, I know that he put is faith in Christ, so I’m not worried about that – just curious as to what he’s seeing, experiencing and knowing now that he’s passed from this life unto the next?
• What is that final moment like? Wonder what he was seeing and feeling towards the very end?

Well, no need to have those questions answered anytime soon – I think I can (and want) to wait A LONG TIME until I find out!

Bitter sweet memories of various experiences tiggered by what ever I’m doing at the moment:

• Dad cutting the lawn with that 1st generation of (buggy) electric lawn mowers …
• Out to eat with the lovely and beautiful, salvaging as much mother’s day as possible, and wandering off in my mind of all the places Dad took our family out to dinner;
• Putting together an outdoor fireplace/firebowl for the lovely and beatiful for mother’s day (yes men, my wife wanted fired and hardware as her gift!-) … and thinking about all the (weekend) times I was called upon to be Dad’s ‘go-for’  on a variety of tasks.

Anyway, been like that much of the day, and I’m glad for that. Thanks to so many of you who have called, emailed, etc … I love you all!

Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend,
and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity.
Better is a neighbor who is near
than a brother who is far away.
Be wise, my son, and make my heart glad,
that I may answer him who reproaches me.

Proverbs 27:10-11

Being 2nd generation of Greek immigrant stock, there are alot of phone calls to make, many of which my mother is making, many of which I just made. Three things that come to mind:

• Why does it take an event like this to bring us together?
• Why havent I called these wonderful friends and relatives sooner?
• Wow, I’m glad that part of the process is over.

At around 11:00 AM, after the initial but expected shock, it got time to get busy and letting the plethora of people whose lives were blessed with my father’s know that he had passed from this life unto the next.

Ugh! Being 2nd generation of Greek immigrant stock, that’s a pertty long call list. Some calls my mother inisted upon, others I readily took on as I’m the one who got a breather this week after having spent last week down there.

So as I’m making flight, rental and other reservations online, I’m calling a multitude of cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, etc …

Since they all have loving memories of him, that part of contacting these fine folks was wonderful, bringing to mind the oft-asked question:
“Why does it take an event like this to bring us together?”

The hard part is:

• their not home and now I have to leave a message like: “this is Dean, please call me, it’s a bit important“
• their home, and you have to say those terrible words: “hi Aunt P., hope you’re having a great mother’s day, ummm, I’ve got some bad news … my father expired this morning.“

And there are so many of them! Sheesh, crazy Greeks, like leaving our cooking as a heritage isn’t enough – I gotta have relatives all over the globe that for the sake of family respect, need to be contacted directly by the spouse or a son … and as I said … that was my job this morning, and I’m glad that with the exception of 2 or 3 more calls, that’s over.

(make that 1 or 2  – Cousin T. just called – sharing happy memories as I wrap-this post up)
Continue to pray for my family – and thank those of you who’ve left comments here and/or privately emailed me.

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. – Philippians 1:3-5

My hero, my inspiration, my teacher, my mentor … my beloved father has passed.

I thank all of you who are praying for me and family.

More a bit later about this marvelous man.

• Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise;
• Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me.
• Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.

• And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.
• Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah.
• I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

Psalm 55:2-3 & Psalm 55:5-8

Today is the day – the day I expect my phone to ring and for one of
my brothers and/or my mother to tell me that my father has passed from this life unto the next. Please, prayers for my family would be appreciated.

Last night my older brother updated me. Not that I could sleep these few days since arriving back from Florida. I’m anxious. I’ve been to the gym twice in 12 hours, and probably a third time to work through the anxiety. Cranked out the do-over for this site, cooked out for some neighbors, cut the lawn and will probably do so again – anything for a distraction. And yes, I’ve been in prayer constantly.

I stared at his picture last night, thinking “by this time tomorrow, he’s not going to be with us anymore.”

The sad reality is, he’s already not with us – having slipped into a semi-conscious state, in part induced by his failing and now frail body, in part due to the morphine administered the past day or two to ease his terminal pain. I count myself so blessed I had last week to spend time with him while he was awake, alert and animated.

I will probably post a bit more on this experience. I am blessed to have known this man for my years on this Earth – though some may discount the first two as I was just learning how to live sans diapers and bibs – I suspect he even had a deep influence on me even then.

Anyway – I currently feel a bittersweet peace. I don’t want him to go, but know it’s his time – yet consider myself so blessed for all the time in which he was lent to myself, my brothers, my wife, his grandchildren and other wonderful relatives.

Please, prayers for my family would be appreciated. Thanks!

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”

I Corinthians 15:53-55