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If Airlines were Operating Systems

Some more Friday Fun from yet another anonymous usenet joke that’s been passed almost as much as the “FCC To Ban Religious Broadcasting / Madalyn Murray O’Hair” urban legend. Today’s topic was selected with the hope that would help Jordon Cooper get through his Windows re-install without entirely losing his sanity.

  • DOS Air – All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the
    plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits
    the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into
    the air, hop on, et cetera.
  • DOS with QEMM Airlines – The same thing but with more leg room to push.
  • Mac Airways – The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all
    look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions
    about the flight, they reply that you don’t want to know, don’t need
    to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
  • Fly Windows 95 – The terminal is very neat and clean, the
    attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet
    of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off
    without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it
    explodes without warning.
  • Windows NT Air – All the passengers carry their seats out
    onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane.
    They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds
    as if they are flying.
  • OS/2 Skyways – The terminal is almost empty, with only a
    few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says
    that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight,
    though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk
    around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices,
    pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside
    the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good
    the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer
    it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to
    wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
    systems. Maybe another 10 years. Maybe longer.
  • Amiga Airline – The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly
    stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, an uneventful takeoff. For
    the more adventurous: travelers can travel on multiple planes and visit
    multiple destinations all at the same time. During these multiple plane trips
    the user can even take a side trip on Mac, DOS, Unix, or Windows airlines.
  • Unix Express – All passenger bring a piece of the airplane
    and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the
    tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want
    to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split
    into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all
    the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All
    passengers believe they got there.
  • Wings of OS/400 – The airline has bought ancient DC-3s,
    arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted “747″
    on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight
    attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks
    cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have
    SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the
    frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting
    department can call it overhead.
  • MVS Air Lines – The passengers all gather in the hangar,
    watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this
    immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats
    over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more
    engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there
    are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate
    these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you
    personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble
    aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The
    pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines,
    only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar
    doors.
  • MPE Airline – It’s a little difficult to get a ticket because you have to sign
    up for the right plane, specify you want a seat to sit in, identify each piece
    of baggage and list it on your ticket, and once you enter the plane you may
    never see the same steward/ess twice. However, once the plane takes off, the
    ride is exceptionally smooth and usually on-time, unless you cross a timezone
    (this results in your being placed in a holding pattern for 1 hour until the
    plane’s clock and the local clocks are synchronized). Should the unthinkable
    happen and your flight ends in a crash, you will be magically whisked back to
    the origin of the flight where you will be placed on the next plane out.
  • OpenVMS Airline – Security to get on the plane can be tight, but once you get
    on, everyone has their own roomy area (depending on your pilot, of course).
    You sit down in a comfortable roomy seat, and brace yourself for the launch to
    warp by the powerful Alpha/AXP engines. You enjoy looking out your first-class
    DEC-and-X-windows at the other planes flying haplessly in circles below. You
    feel almost guilty that they are limited to the Earth’s atmosphere, except for
    the Amiga, which is just off your port wing. :) You enjoy witty,
    scintillating conversations with other passengers, and even other planes of
    almost any type. But the plane is too fast, and the air traffic controller
    doesn’t want to let you leave the country “for National Security”. Then you
    realize that your boss has you bumped from first-class to coach where your
    client PC’s are all contemplating closing their eyes, shouting “Geronimo!”, and
    jumping ship without a parachute, hoping to land on a Unix plane without
    crashing it…
  • RISC-OS Airways – The plane looks like a twin-turboprop commuter aircraft, but
    as you take off it accelerates to Mach 1.2. The drinks are
    a lot cheaper than on most other airways, and the flight
    attendants are much friendlier, even if their appearance
    leaves something to be desired.
  • Air PalmEveryone is in such a hurry that they bring their own ultralite. They pull it out of their pockets, proceed to unfold it, then they get their backpacks with all of the attachment parts (or their extreme geek belt where everything is attached to it). After plugging in their phone conduit, they call the traffic control and say that they are taking off. Air traffic says that they aren’t really a plane. Ultimately, the palm plane just plugs itself into a device attached to a real plane and the cool owner just presses a button and waits until the flight comes to an end, hopefully without some “out of something or another” message being sent back.
  • Linux Atlantic – Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do WHAT with the seat?”

2 Comments

  1. I’ve still got my Amiga 500 somewhere… I figure if I hold onto it long enough it’ll be worth something as an anitique

  2. Holy Cow, I haven’t seen that email in about 7 years!