Heal Your Church WebSite

Category: Jesus Junk

A collection of the “Kitsch” in the name of Christ that so cheapens our once rich faith.

  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 5 – Speak Clearly

    Even if you haven’t read the latest writings of Steve Krug, Jakob Nielsen or Luke Wroblewski, it doesn’t take a ‘Rocket Surgeon‘ understand the wisdom the “duck test” which according to the all-knowing Wikipedia asserts:

    If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

    Which is why I find myself  a little bit confused when stumbled onto the  ‘Jesus Christ Celebriduck Limited Edition Collectible Rubber Duck‘ parodied in the instructional poster below:

    12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 5 - Speak Clearly

    Call me old school but as I recall a rubber ducky is, as Ernie of Sesame Street so aptly described in song a “ .. little fella who’s Cute and yellow and chubby …”

    Now I know what some of you are thinking “Dean, you dope, the Celebriduck is a collector item thing … of course it doesn’t look like a duck!” …

    … kidding aside, I already figured out it’s some niche merchandise marketed who also speak other arcane dialects such as “Beanie Baby” … but that gets to my point!

    Using insider jargon-eze is a sure fire way to relegate your website the non-desirable’ SEO’ known as ‘search-engine obscurity.‘

    Consider this:  in the U.S. 1 in 3 adults is unchurched. Meaning 1 in 3 adults don’t understand the ‘church-speak‘ that bables-up and out of expensive color brochures, sermon videos and web sites.

    So when it comes to the purpose and personality of your organization, speak clearly and say it plain. Tell visitors precisely what THEY seek in terms THEY understand.

    Put another way, by avoiding ‘clique chat‘  you’ll not only make your site more usable to individuals trying to find what you have to offer, but you’ll also help avoid spending $5k on a Search Engine Optimization (SEO) expert.

  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 4 – Unreadable at 11:23

    Even though I’m a software guy, I think if I were asked to design a religious-themed wall clock I might steer clear of some of the usability issues I find with the Jesus Christ Carrying Cross Christian Theme Wall Clock parodied below:

    12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 4 - Unreadable at 11:23

    What usability issue? Well if I’m a user sitting across the room at 11:23, and possibly at 4:55 and 8:05, I might find it hard to see what time it is because of the dark black lines of the artwork create a dark black background for the thin black arms of the clock.

    So what has this got to do with my church or charity website? Glad you asked.

    What we want to take away from today’s example is the concept that part of a successful user interface isn’t just design that looks good (not that I find the clock artwork all that inspiring) — but also a design facilitates a positive and productive user experience.

    This can be measured in ‘conversion rates,’ that is the rate at which the user successfully uses the website (or clock) to accomplish some item of work or information gathering.

    This means we need to avoid design elements get in the way of a web page’s core functionality, otherwise we’re left with the antithesis of conversion – the user abandons the product – often quantified as the ‘bounce rate.‘

    To help avoid this common pitfall, I offer this “fast five” lists of things to remember when designing a webpage:

    1. You are not your user;
    2. solve their problems, don’t burden them yours;
    3. don’t assume all any of your users are idiots;
    4. engage in user testing – where non-geeks attempt simple, common tasks; and
    5. when a problem and/or encumbrance by a user is reported – do what it takes to provide the user a clear path to operational/work-flow success.

    On that last point, think Amazon.com, the premier example of conversion goals in action. When they hear of something that gets in the user’s way – even if it sounds stupid – they fix their site to accommodate the customer.

    I’d recommend doing the same, perhaps starting with some good-old-fashioned hallway testing and moving out from there.




  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 3 – Avoid Wipeouts

    Nothing says “wipe-out” like a cheap little Holy Bible eraser.

    12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 3 - Avoid Wipeouts

    And while the product parodied above is applied a slightly different meaning of “fail” the point is hardware failures, power outages, software bugs, stolen computers, cross site scripted SQL injections, and/or zombie induced denial of service attacks can all turn your church and/or charity website into a tub of techno-mush quicker than you can recurse a binary tree.

    The only real defense against such failures is to plan for them – anticipating them in three ways:

    • backing up your data
    • moving your backed-up data off site
    • having and practicing how to restore backed-up data

    Here’s a very simple snippet from an oldie but goldie article entitled “How to backup your MySQL tables and data every night using a bash script and cron:“

    #!/bin/sh
    # backup data
    mysqldump -uroot -ppwd --opt db1 > /sqldata/db1.sql
    mysqldump -uroot -ppwd --opt db2 > /sqldata/db2.sql
    # zip up data
    cd /sqldata/ 
    tar -zcvf sqldata.tgz *.sql
    # email data off-site
    cd /scripts/
    perl emailsql.cgi

    The article also displays a script on how to email the data off site, not a bad deal if your data is small – such backups being just as simple to restore with this dynamic command line duo of directives:

    tar -zxvf sqldata.tgz
    mysql -uroot -ppwd db1 < db1.sql

    Things get trickier when you have tons of data, in which it may play into one’s restoration plan better to backup and restore a database by individual tables. Here is a set of articles that describes how to do this that includes some script examples you can modify to suite your needs:

    Either way, then it is just a manner of putting the shell script on a timer, or in the vernacular of crontab:

    1 3 * * * /usr/home/mysite.com/prvt/tbak.sh > /usr/home/logs/tbak.log

    If either of these shell script, bash-based approach seems to complex then perhaps one of the control panel, web-based method offered by UpStartBlogger’s post “8 MySQL Backup Strategies for WordPress Bloggers (And Others)” will do the trick.

    Here are some other related articles that might help, the last two include automagic date stamping of the backup files:

    The bottom line is this: just Peter implores us to make a ready defense in 1 Peter 3:15, so I’m asking you always be ready to make a defense to anything that endangers the data that is on your system so you’re not found tearfully dissheveled cowering in a corner meek and fearful, mumbling something about how you should have planned for such failures.

    You’ll be glad you did – probably at the most inopportune time possible.

  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 2 – Think Globally!

    As once again the  TSA reminds us that Christmas Snow Globes a threat to National Security, I thought it might be a good time to talk about the wide-World of bad-guys and some simple things you can do to guard your site from a potentially explosive situation.

    12 Days of Jesus Junk - Day 2 - Think Globally

    Unlike the 5.5″ The Kneeling Santa Claus Musical Christmas Water Globe parodies above, there are some real threats to your website that are an unfortunate aspect of the “World Wide” nature of the Web.

    Specifically, I’m talking about the army of professional hackers employed in far flung regions such as China, Nigeria and of course what is now the former U.S.S.R.

    For that, I recommend a modification to your  .htaccess file such as:

    <Limit GET HEAD POST>
deny from 218.25.161
allow from all
</LIMIT>

    If you look close, I’m only using 3 levels of the IP address to 218.25.161.0 through 218.25.161.255.

    And where does one get a block of  IPs to block? Glad you asked …

    Pre-fabricated blacklists to block IP addresses of entire countries:

    A bit more on .htaccess and mod_access:

    Just remember to keep good backups of whatever files you’re working on – and try not to lock yourself out while experimenting with changes!

  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 1 – Hallway Testing

    I’m sure the makers of the Gemmy 6ft Airblown Inflatable Christmas Nativity Scene parodied below were not trying to assert that Jesus was of Aryan descent:

    Avoid accidental message myopia by subjecting all your design work to hallway testing

    So how do we avoid the type of ‘accidental-message-myopia‘ that produces a design that includes a not-so Middle-East,  blond haired (and possibly blue-eyed)  baby Jesus?  Two words “Hallway Testing.”

    The Wikipedia describes hallway testing as:

    Hallway testing (or hallway usability testing) is a specific methodology of software usability testing. Rather than using an in-house, trained group of testers, just five to six random people, indicative of a cross-section of end users, are brought in to test the software (be it an application, web site, etc.); the name of the technique refers to the fact that the testers should be random people who pass by in the hallway. The theory, as adopted from Jakob Nielsen’s research, is that 95% of usability problems can be discovered using this technique.

    In short, hallway testing is the simple act of accosting … I mean drafting … I mean enlisting 5 or 6 random individuals to inspect your designs to insure among other things, you’re not overlooking some detail great or small that accidentally sends the wrong message.

    I know it’s an extra step in the web design process, but when one considers alternatives as the above parody poster depiction, it’s probably worth it.

  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 12 – Santa with Baby Jesus Nativity(ies)

    On the 12th day of Kitschmas my webmaster brought to me: 12 Santa with Jesus figurines.

    You betcha I ain’t kiddin’! I mean,what better way to convey to the kiddies the true meaning of Christmas in our current entertainint-driven culture than with the rotund, non-fasting, Nordic image of Saint Nicholas looking over a WonderBread white baby Jesus?

    A confusing little mixed-metaphor dontcha’ think? I do. I also think this mix of Madison Avenue imagery with legal historic details is an excellent object lesson in why we need to be careful about semantics in a different light: semantic HTML.

    For example, below is list of Santa with Jesus Nativity images I discovered in about 2 minutes on the web. In the past, one might use a <table> tag to render this list … but since IT IS a list of images and descriptions … why not use a list-like entity where the markup gives search engines, visually impaired seekers, and other systems and users a clue about the content in which they’re about to receive?

    That is, why not use a definition list to render a list of images and their associated ‘defining’ descriptions (with typos included from the cited websites)?


    Dona Gelsinger Christmas Miracle Collectible Angel Figurine
    Dona Gelsinger Christmas Miracle Collectible Angel Figurine: Rejoice! The beloved work of renowned artist Dona Gelsinger comes to life in this collectible Santa and angel Nativity figurine, depicting Santa and a pretty little angel worshipping at the blessed birth of the Baby Jesus. A sweet lamb and bunnies join in the miracle, making this special collectible Christmas decoration an even more adorable treasure for your holiday home!
    Santa with Baby Jesus figurine
    Santa with Baby Jesus Stand: This Santa with Baby Jesus stand combines two important symbols of Christmas, Our Lord Jesus and Santa Clause.Enjoy this tall and cheerful statue with Santa holding the Star of Christmas and the Baby Jesus.This is an absolutely stunning figurine of Sants in his dark red clothing with white fur trim, holding Baby Jesus who is wrapped in a blanket. This Santa is made of Resin and stands 11 1/2″ H.
    The Greatest Gift Of All Figurine
    The Greatest Gift Of All Figurine: Elevate your Christmas display to a whole new level of sophistication and beauty with this elegant Christmas collectible figurine. This lovely Christ Child and Santa Claus figurine is beautifully sculpted and carefully hand-painted in resin, highlighting the poignant expression on Santa’s face as he kneels next to the smiling Baby Jesus’ manger. Real fabrics, molded and shaped by hand, are featured on Santa’s “fur”-trimmed coat and the Christ Child’s swaddling clothes.
    Roman Santa Kneeling W/ Baby Jesus Ornament
    Roman Santa Kneeling W/ Baby Jesus Ornament: Roman Santa Kneeling W/ Baby Jesus Ornament – This stone resin ornament is a licensed Roman item, has a very special message that can be taught to children and adults alike for generations to come. The message is that Christmas is not all about Sanata Claus, but rather Santa Claus also humbles himself before his maker, Jesus. Comes in attractive gift box, measures 2 1/2″
    Santa & The Christ Child figurine
    Santa & The Christ Child: There is no greater joy than watching a baby’s face at his or her first Christmas. The excitement and happiness parents feel are contagious and surely their child is not immune to the love surrounding this holy holiday. It is only fitting then, that the gentle gift bringer, Santa, comes to visit the greatest Bringer of hope, love and peace: the little Baby Jesus. As the Baby’s face lights upon seeing Santa’s gift, a cuddly teddy bear complete with big red bow, his hand reaches up to accept the precious gift. Santa’s eyes glisten as he sees the sweetness and beauty of the Baby Jesus, who, though nestled in His humble bed of straw, bears all the dignity and power of a King.

    Blech!

    For more on how and why semantic HTML makes more sense than the usual “code slung like hash” I suggest reading my recent post entitled: Enough with the Bread and BReakfast markup already!

    For those on how and why the semantics of how and why imagery of the Coca-Cola Claus and the Uber Caucasion Christ may be sending the wrong message, may I suggest a post on the Colossians Three Sixteen blog entitled: Everybody Loves Santa Jesus!

  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 11 – Happy Birthday Jesus Tattoos

    12 Days of Jesus Junk - day 11 - Happy Birthday Jesus tattoosOn the 11th day of Christmas my webmaster rubbed on me – 11 “Happy Birthday Jesus” tattoos!

    Just when you thought I’ve already cited and objectifried the worst in Kristshun Kitsch, the crass world of commercialization, like a good rash, provides the gifts that keep giving.

    In this case it’s we’re talking “Happy Birthday Jesus” Tattoos. Yes folks, everyone knows your kids will love wearing these faith-based tattoos! Easy to apply and remove, they’re fun to find in Sunday School goody bags and Christmas stockings. So what if you send your children a mixed message later in the year when teaching Leviticus 19:28?

    Which brings us to today’s object lesson, 11 blogging mistakes pastors & laypersons should avoid.

    Yes, like the overzealous but ignorant Sunday school teacher who means well  rewarding their students with rub-on body markings, so too is sometimes true when an equally well meaning pastor takes over a church blog.

    The result is a series of errors that plague most new to blogging, including the following:

    1. Getting hung up on high-tech instead of compelling content;
    2. Assuming Google will do all of your site’s ‘networking’ and ‘advertising’ for you;
    3. Shoot-off-mouth first, ask questions later;
    4. Shotgun topics – too many points (pellets) in one post;
    5. Anemic headlines that have no zing;
    6. Ignored or devalued commenters and their input;
    7. Shotgun categories – not taking control of your niche of expertise;
    8. Assumed it would be easy;
    9. An ugly URL that is hard to remember (lest spell)
    10. Know-it-all-itis
    11. poorly constructed excerpts and/or lead paragraphs.

    Three things I keep repeating here, and will continue to repeat:

    • People don’t read the web, they scan it;
    • Aggregators and search engines index and list titles and excerpts (or lead paragraphs where excerpts aren’t present) – write to that;
    • We cannot serve two (or more) masters – write to a single topic, if you have more, post more tomorrow.

    Bottom line, just it is our job to leave a mark on the World, not to be marked by worldlinesses – so too it’s our job to leave our mark online with our writing, rather than merely splatter senseless, non compelling markup just so you’re different like everyone else.

  • 12 Days of Jesus Junk – Day 10 – Moses Action Figure

    12 days of Jesus Junk - day 10 - Moses Action FigureOn the 10th day of kitschmas my webmaster threw down on me – 10 Moses Action Figures (all clutching tablets of the 10 commandments in their patented kung-fu grip!).

    Seriously, todays wandering into ‘Wadi Crapola‘ was made a bit amusing by some of the descriptions given for this particular item. Of note:

    Recreate theTen Commandments with this 5 1/4″ hard plastic Moses Action Figure. It has moving arms and legs, as well as removeable shepherd’s staff and stone tablets. Moses info on the package too! – Giftoplois

    A description that is only topped by this one:

    The story of Moses has more action than a James Bond movie. Miracles, murder, plagues, escape, betrayal – his life was filled with dramatic events and exciting adventures. With our 5-1/4″ tall, hard plastic Moses Action Figure you can recreate the entire epic saga in the comfort of your own home.

    Use the removeable shepherd’s staff and stone tablets to punish your roommate with God’s plagues or deliver the Ten Commandments to your little green army men. Comes with interesting Moses info on the back of his card. – StageFight.com

    For me however, I’d suggest buying this Torah Toy as an object lesson in … wait for it …

    … a reminder to read my classic article entitled:

    Here are the first three just to whet your whistle:

    1. You shall have no text other than your church’s name, denomination, city and state correctly spelled in between the <title> tags of your church’s home page.
    2. You shall not make for your self webpage description and keywords meta tags that contain key words that are not related to your church’s ministries, purpose and personality.
    3. You shall have no text other than your church’s name, denomination, city and state correctly spelled in between the <h1> tag in the header of your church’s home page – even if you are using some form of CSS text/image replacement.

    Now go be doers of the word, rather than mere readers!