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Teaching, rebuking, correcting & training in righteous web design.

Friday Fun – Real Programmers

  • Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
  • Don’t draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate’s form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
  • Don’t use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
  • Don’t use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulations.
  • Don’t use LOGO. In fact <no> programmers use LOGO after puberty.
  • Don’t use APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.
  • Don’t use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
  • Don’t use Pascal, BLISS, ADA, or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
  • Don’t write the user interfaces, they merely argue over what they should look like.
  • Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming.
  • Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any documentation at all.
  • Don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
  • Don’t read user manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
  • Never work 9 to 5. If any real engineers are around at 9 a.m. it’s because they were up all night.
  • Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
  • Don’t believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers “firm up” schedules. Frightened engineers strive to make schedules. Real engineers ignore schedules.
  • Don’t take support calls. If the user can’t figure it out, screw ‘em.
  • Don’t seek technical support. To do so is a sign of weakness
  • Read tech magazines during meetings. If the information was important, they’d send it in an e-mail.
  • Consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
  • Read tecnical manuals at lunch.
  • Use vacations as an opportunity to learn new programming languages.
  • Don’t play tennis or any other sport that requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, though, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
  • Don’t like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
  • Don’t drive around in clapped out mavericks. They prefer BMW’s, Lincolns, or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
  • Buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
  • Wear moustaches or beards for “efficiency”, not because they’re lazy.
  • Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.
  • Don’t drink Sprite, 7-Up, or diet cola. A beverage for a real engineer must be brown and highly caffinated.
  • Don’t bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells they eat it. If the vending machine doesn’t sell it, they don’t it. Vending machines don’t sell quiche.

Here’s an even more extensive list

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