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Friday Fun : Real Programmers

While the following usenet humor by the ever popular anonymous is getting a bit dated – some of it is still applicable. I’ve marked in bold text those statements that have caused me to knod my head in amusement and/or agreement. Why about leaving some comments with some suggested updates to this deprecated, but still applicable adages?


Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming.

Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.

Don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.

Don’t draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate’s form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

Don’t read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Don’t use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.

Don’t use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Don’t use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma’s boys who can’t choose between Cobol and Fortran.

Don’t use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

Don’t use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Don’t use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.

Don’t use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it’s because they were up all night.

Don’t play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

Don’t like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Lead Programmer.

Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to “think big.”

Don’t drive tricked-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Don’t believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers “firm up” schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.

Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read program. Puppy architects won’t allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.

Don’t bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn’t sell it, they don’t eat it. Vending machines don’t sell quiche.

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