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Coffee Maker Man Page

I know, reading the documentation is hard sometimes, but we’ve all got to buckle down and do it. That said, here is some vintage Usnet Humor just that proves I feel your pain:
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NCM(1)    (EssentialFluids)    NCM(1)

NAME
    ncm -new coffee maker

SYNOPSIS
    ncm [-RadCxmlnogrtucpFbqisf ] [caf|decaf|columbian]

DESCRIPTION
    For each available heating unit, ncm determines if coffee
    exists, is hot, and is not tar(4).  If any ofthese are
    true,the necessary actions are takento change the
    situation as required, or as specified by theenvironment
    variable BURNERS.  ncp then gathers the necessary material
    and proceeds. The -Moption makes coffee in the morning.
    The drinkinfo(4) database is used to determine the blend and
    the amount ofcaffeine, basedon the environment variables
    DRINK, TZ, and the current time.  If this informationcannot
    be obtained, full strength Maxwell House is assumed.

    The ncm command has many, many more than the following
    options, not all of which arecurrently supported.  Some may
    neverbe supported.  We are really busy here,and we will
    try to get around to it as soon as possible, but Doc is
    breathing down my neck to getsomething else done, soyou
    will just have to be patient!:

    -R   Recursively makecoffee until all resources are
    exhausted.

    -a   Generatearoma only.

    -l   The sameas -n except slower.

    -d   Brew decaf.  Will not operate before 10:30 am.

    -n   The sameas -l

    -j   Use Jamaica BlueMountain primo special. This can only
    be executed by coffeadmin.

    -r   Reverse the order of brewing to get newest firstor
    oldest first as appropriate.

    -v   Execute the vgrind(1) program before proceeding for a
    fresher brew.

EXAMPLES
    ncp -ldmNOW!

    Make lots of coffee now!

FILES
    /etc/grinder
    /etc/filter

SEE ALSO
    tee(1), coke(1), sync(1).

NOTES
    The ncm command may be used as a filter.

    For more information see the "Making Good Coffee" section of
    Chapter 10 ofthe Kitchen Administrator's Guide.

BUGS
    Ick. I hope not.

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The author’s name is Cary O’Brien of Addamax Corp., Rockville, MD.

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